I never knew how much it hurt to try and fail at having a baby month after month until I was recently diagnosed with secondary infertility. If you’re not sure what that is, you are not alone. Basically, it means you have other children but, for some (usually unknown) reason, you now have trouble conceiving. I had no idea this was even a thing that could happen. I always thought you could either have kids or you had trouble, no gray area. But, apparently, there is a gray area. A great, big, super-duper gray area.
Now, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the two amazing boys I have already. They were both miracle babies and I feel so blessed and unbelievably happy every time I see them but I desperately want just one more to complete our family. Girl or boy, doesn’t matter. Either one would be just fine with me.
My 11 year old was a miracle baby because he tried to come out when I was only 26 weeks pregnant. I ended up on round the clock medication to stop my body’s constant need to contract and was put on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy. He’s now a funny, handsome and very active young man who, I know, will be my buddy for life.
My 3 year old was also a miracle baby. In the 7 years between my oldest and youngest sons, I had two medical procedures done to my cervix and uterus which, I knew, would make it difficult to carry a baby to full term. I ended up having 3 miscarriages before getting pregnant with my little guy. The doctor monitored my cervix weekly and, as my son grew and my cervix weakened, I was put on bed rest and medication to keep from losing him late in my pregnancy. He ended up coming only 2 days before his due date and is now a rambunctious, cuddly, super smart little guy who tells me daily he wants to marry me.
And as much as I want to stop here and just be happy with my 2 amazing boys, I just can’t help wanting a third. I’ve already had another miscarriage about a year after having my 3 year old and I started 13 months ago trying again. Since I’ve been pregnant a total of 6 times already, I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant again. I always thought my problem would be getting a baby to full term but now I’m having both issues and I can’t put into words how disappointed I am every month I realize I’m still not pregnant.
I appreciate the help and advice my friends try to give me but telling me to just be happy with what I have and to stop trying and it will happen, is not helping. How do you stop trying? It’s not like I can just stop my brain from realizing I’m not pregnant or thinking something must be wrong. If anyone out there has been able to do that successfully, please let me know because, at this point, I think it’s impossible to turn my thoughts off.
I guess I will just keep telling myself the same thing I tell myself every day…if it’s meant to be, it will happen. But, can’t it just be, please??