I Just Want One More, Please?

I never knew how much it hurt to try and fail at having a baby month after month until I was recently diagnosed with secondary infertility.  If you’re not sure what that is, you are not alone.  Basically, it means you have other children but, for some (usually unknown) reason, you now have trouble conceiving.  I had no idea this was even a thing that could happen.  I always thought you could either have kids or you had trouble, no gray area.  But, apparently, there is a gray area.  A great, big, super-duper gray area.

Now, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for the two amazing boys I have already.  They were both miracle babies and I feel so blessed and unbelievably happy every time I see them but I desperately want just one more to complete our family.  Girl or boy, doesn’t matter.  Either one would be just fine with me.

My 11 year old was a miracle baby because he tried to come out when I was only 26 weeks pregnant.  I ended up on round the clock medication to stop my body’s constant need to contract and was put on bed rest for the duration of my pregnancy.  He’s now a funny, handsome and very active young man who, I know, will be my buddy for life.

My 3 year old was also a miracle baby.  In the 7 years between my oldest and youngest sons, I had two medical procedures done to my cervix and uterus which, I knew, would make it difficult to carry a baby to full term.  I ended up having 3 miscarriages before getting pregnant with my little guy.  The doctor monitored my cervix weekly and, as my son grew and my cervix weakened, I was put on bed rest and medication to keep from losing him late in my pregnancy.  He ended up coming only 2 days before his due date and is now a rambunctious, cuddly, super smart little guy who tells me daily he wants to marry me.

And as much as I want to stop here and just be happy with my 2 amazing boys, I just can’t help wanting a third.  I’ve already had another miscarriage about a year after having my 3 year old and I started 13 months ago trying again.  Since I’ve been pregnant a total of 6 times already, I never thought I would have a problem getting pregnant again.  I always thought my problem would be getting a baby to full term but now I’m having both issues and I can’t put into words how disappointed I am every month I realize I’m still not pregnant.

I appreciate the help and advice my friends try to give me but telling me to just be happy with what I have and to stop trying and it will happen, is not helping.  How do you stop trying?  It’s not like I can just stop my brain from realizing I’m not pregnant or thinking something must be wrong.  If anyone out there has been able to do that successfully, please let me know because, at this point, I think it’s impossible to turn my thoughts off.

I guess I will just keep telling myself the same thing I tell myself every day…if it’s meant to be, it will happen.  But, can’t it just be, please??


What is my 3 year old thinking?!

I really wish I knew what my 3 year old boy was thinking when he…

  • dropped his pants to his ankles to pee in the front yard.
  • decided tissues were the best things invented.
  • became obsessed with wiping the eye boogies from all 3 dog’s eyes…daily.
  • got tired of waiting for me to make his soup so he opened the microwave, threw the pouch of unmade soup in there, shut the door and started pressing buttons.
  • wrote “Hi!” on our tan living room carpet in red marker.
  • shouted “That’s a bad man!” to some old guy just walking his dog.
  • poked our dog’s butt hole.
  • told me when he’s done growing up he will be little again for me.
  • randomly threw his brother’s instrument and broke the television.
  • held in his poop as long as possible and then freaked out when he poops on the floor.
  • drank the blue toilet water.
  • won’t eat anything with little green things in it.
  • laughed loudly in his sleep.
  • decided he’s sick and forced himself to cough.
  • purposely made himself dizzy, over and over again.
  • decided he’s now “obsessed” with everything.
  • thought he could catch a bee and keep it as a pet.
  • gave the dog his brother’s new shoe as a chew toy.
  • declared that he has to have naked time every day.

The list could go on and on and on!  Maybe I’m just jealous that he can do these things and, because I’m a grown up, I have to act civilized.  Okay, I wouldn’t want to do half the things on this list (blue toilet water, anyone?) but daily naked time would be nice…just saying.

What crazy things has your little one done?

The Many Guilts of Mom

I’m having one of those days where I’m feeling like a horrible wife and mother.  There isn’t any one specific thing that I did or didn’t do to warrant feeling this way, but I do.  I know I’m not alone in this.  I know there has to be other moms out there who feel Mommy guilt on occasion as well but I can’t help feeling alone in this today (and many days).  Here are just a few of the reasons why I feel the way I do…

I feel guilty that I can’t seem to keep up with the housework.

I feel guilty that the college degree I worked my ass off for is sitting in a box in the attic.

I feel guilty that as a stay at home mom I’m not contributing financially to my household.

I feel guilty when I cut back on things my family enjoys in order to save a few bucks.

I feel defeated when I see those saved pennies get spent frivolously.

I feel guilty when dinner gets burned, tastes disgusting or just doesn’t go as planned.

I feel guilty when my kids are obviously trying to get my attention and I can’t give it to them right away.

I feel guilty when I argue with my children over something they want to do but aren’t allowed.

I feel shame when I give in to my children just to make the argument go away.

I feel guilty when I can’t grow the family business as much as is expected.

I feel guilty when I put my kids in front of electronics just to get a few minutes of peace.

I feel guilty when I can’t find the time to organize all the mountains of paperwork that comes in the house.

I feel guilty when it’s a beautiful day and I neglect to take my kids out to play.

I feel guilty when I realize I’m not the person I used to be.

I feel guilty anytime I leave the house by myself.

I feel guilty for having the desire to leave the house by myself.

I feel guilty that I haven’t kept in touch with my friends as much as I’d like.

I feel guilty when I offer to volunteer my limited time to one of my kid’s after school activities or school.

I feel guilty when I don’t offer to volunteer to one of my kid’s after school activities or school.

I feel guilty that I don’t spend enough time playing with my kids.

I feel guilty that I have a few medical concerns though haven’t gotten myself to the doctor in a really long time.

I feel guilty anytime I sit down to relax.

I feel guilty for putting something on TV that I enjoy.

I feel guilty when I yell.

I feel guilty when I don’t speak up for myself.

I feel guilty when too many things need my attention at once and my brain spins in circles.

I feel guilty for counting down to bedtime.

I feel guilty anytime I start a venture but don’t see it through.

I feel guilty for needing emotional support.

I feel guilty for letting the emotions of my family members affect the way I feel.

I feel guilty when I spend time taking care of myself.

I feel guilty when I feel unappreciated.

I feel guilty for not having more sex with my husband.

I feel guilty for having needs of my own.

I feel guilty when I need a break.

I feel guilty that I’ve lived in this house for 4 years and still haven’t set up my office (aka the storage room).

I feel guilty that I don’t know how to mow the lawn, change the oil in the car, or hang pictures in the house.

I feel guilty when I find myself nagging to get those things done.

I feel guilty when I have to ask for help.

I feel guilty when I do ANYTHING for myself.

I could go on all day but, honestly, I’m starting to feel guilty for putting all this out there and for spending time on my computer instead of doing the thousands of other things I could be doing right at this moment.

Mommy guilt is real and is always there.  Some days are better than others but the worst days are those in which your family decides they will remind you of your shortcomings….leading to more guilt.


How many of you feel the same way?  What are some other things you feel guilty about?  Let me know in the comments below…I’d like to know I’m not alone in this.



Can We Really Call it a Vacation?

I love going on vacation!  Any place that isn’t my house with the piles of endless laundry and dishes seems like heaven to me.  Most of the time.  The times when it doesn’t seem like a real vacation are those times in which I have to take my kids.  I know, it seems harsh but hear me out.

I’m not talking about taking kids on those vacations where you have a personal butler or maid cleaning your hotel room every day and all your meals are at restaurants you’ve had booked for months.  I’m talking about those vacations where you stay in a relative’s home out of state, at a beach house or a cozy cabin in the mountains.  Going to a place like this with kids is just like being at home but without all the amenities.

My family has a place up in the mountains where we go every summer and a few weekends in the spring and fall.  Don’t get too excited, it’s a gated trailer park really. It’s different than home, though, because there’s a heated pool, a clubhouse with the occasional dance party and other organized activities we can do with the kids.  But…

It may be a vacation for the kids, but it’s certainly no vacation for me or my husband.  As much as I enjoy being somewhere other than my house (and especially being somewhere where there is very limited phone service), there is always something to cook, clean, fix, sew or update here.  And the worst part is, we have no dishwasher or washer and dryer like we do at home.  So I’m basically doing all the same things I would be doing at home, I’m just doing them in a much smaller space with no special appliances to help me do them.

I also spend the majority of my time up in the mountains (or while being guests at a friend or relative’s home) trying to keep the place somewhat clean.  I have two young boys, three dogs and a husband and they leave a trail every where they go.  Being in someone else’s home I, of course, feel obligated to follow behind them cleaning up as they go (or nagging like crazy to get them to help!).  And in our place in the mountains, there is so little space that we easily trip over each other let alone toys left on the floor.  By the way, if anyone has figured out how to train dogs to clean up after themselves, please let me know!

My husband and I were lucky enough to take a wonderful cruise this summer by ourselves.  No kids and no dogs.  Wohoo!  But, it took us 13 years to be able to do that and we certainly used up all our favors with needing enough people to look after our kids, dogs and home while we were away that I seriously doubt we will be able to do it again for a long, long time.

As I sit in the mountains right now, typing on this blog, I’m getting ready to cook dinner while subsequently dealing with my 3 year old who is throwing a fit because he can’t go outside (it’s pouring) and my 11 year old who wants to do nothing but play video games but can’t because he is being punished.  Oh and dealing with my husband who is occupying the only TV.  But, we will be sad when we go home after the weekend and will be excited when we can come back.  I guess we will never learn…

I’d love to know I’m not alone in this!  How many of you feel the same way about taking kids on vacation?  I’d love to hear from you in the comments below…

Can I Change My Name to Daddy?

A few days ago my 11 year old son pronounced he would never want to be the mom in the family and he was sooooo happy he was a boy.  When asked why, he stated he would never want to endure the pain of birth (okay, I’ll give him that one!) and he wouldn’t want to be responsible for all the child rearing, cooking, cleaning, homework help and everything else.  And, you know what?  He’s right.  As far as raising kids goes, the dads have it made.

Now before the dads reading this chastise me for saying that, please take a good honest look at your daily household responsibilities verses your wife.  Yes, dads go to work, work really hard, pay the bills and usually take care of the lawn and cars.  And, believe me, it is ALL greatly appreciated!  (I know, every family is different but, in my experience, this is the typical family.)  The mom, on the other hand, generally wakes up before everyone, makes breakfast, dresses everyone appropriately and gets whoever needs to be out the door, out.  Then she either also goes to work all day or stays at home with the little ones (which, by the way, is definitely a full time job in and of itself, thank you very much!).

Regardless of where mom works during the day, it is the dividing of the evening and nighttime duties that shows the most disproportionate amount of work of moms vs dads.  Generally, dads will come home and play with the kids a bit, throw the TV on and sit down relax from his hard day at work.  Mom, on the other hand, is busy making dinner, helping with homework, giving baths and doing dishes.  She may also be taking several children to different after school activities in which she has been volunteered to volunteer (usually by her kids or dear husband).

After the evening duties are complete and mom gets the kids all tucked into bed (and kisses dad goodnight since he’s already laying down ready to pass out himself), she may then take a few minutes to herself but usually not until after the dishes are done and the toys are put away.  Then after the house is all locked up and any pets are taken care of, she will finally get a few quiet minutes to herself.  Of course, that’s when the graveyard shift begins!  When it comes to the job differences between moms and dads, this job has got to be the hardest for most.  Anything that happens in the middle of the night seems to be the mom’s duty to tend to it.  Whether the kids wake up, the dog is tearing into the garbage, a car alarm goes off or dad wakes mom up because he can’t sleep so he figures she shouldn’t be able to either, mom has to take care of it.

Then, just when mom falls into a nice deep sleep, her “before everyone else” alarm goes off and it’s time to get up and do it all again and again and again.  Maybe I’m just biased because I am, after all, the mom of this family but I do see a significant difference in the household duties between moms and dads.

Do you think this pretty much sums it up for your family or am I completely off base?  Let me know in the comments below.  I’m always up for a good discussion (no bashing please!).